You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

Stop paying for training programs. Stop reading books. Stop going to networking meetings. Stop attending conferences. Stop pretending you are learning by putting yourself in learning environments.

You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

Stop theorizing about what you may have learned and take ONE…one single learning point…and APPLY IT TO YOUR LIFE, your business, your family, your health, your wealth and/or your happiness.

You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

Make this your new mantra: You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

Your mind is full of POTENTIAL…it always has been and always will be unless you stop talking and start doing. The best training courses, motivational speeches, self-help books…all were written from EXPERIENCE…someone else’s experience.

You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

I can speak from experience when I tell you that the better training programs are designed to build on one another. They work on the assumption that what was taught in level one is now in place and we can now add level two. You wouldn’t build a house on a weak foundation. So get out there and test your learning. Put skills to use. Challenge your mindset. Discipline a new habit. Achieve one of the goals you set. This application is the mortar between the bricks. It solidifies the foundation and enables you to safely, strongly build upward.

You haven’t learned anything until you apply it.

So, in summary, there is just ONE THING I want you to take from this…

___ ______ ______ ________ ____ ___ _____ __.

NVP. The science of being an interesting dinner guest.

As a life skills educator, I’m always dealing with Intrinsic vs Extrinsic motivation. Parents want to know how to motivate their kids, teachers want to know how to engage their students, executive leaders want to know how to drive results and youth just want to know how to build a life that is going to be enjoyable.

By my definition, intrinsic motivation is simple…you are motivated by your own values, your own beliefs, by your own desires and by your own experiences. You are in control of your own little world.

Extrinsic motivation is when you are motivated by external factors. You may be influenced by others, by conditions of your current environment, by others’ experiences and by the desire to portray yourself in a certain way.

Neither is good or bad and we all get swayed by both of these types of motivators every day, in every decision that we make.

In my experience, intrinsically motivated people win. They win the more important, more long-term battles. They keep relationships of value, they are happier and they are far more dependable.

But it’s not enough to just say that…”be intrinsically motivated and you’ll be a winner”. That’s what a lame motivational speaker would sell you for about $10,000 a keynote. We can do better than that. Let’s look at the WHY and the HOW of it.

First, let’s look to the rulers of the extrinsic empire, the people who sell you all that externally beautifying stuff. Sales, branding, media and marketing organizations know the sweet science of tapping into your motivation. They know how to make you lust for something so badly that you will spend time, money and energy just to get it into your life. These talented extractors of income know how to prey on the weak-minded, but deep seeded motivators within your brain.

At the core of your brain is the most ancient relic of our caveman heritage…flashbulbs pop on circus Willey as he pulls the curtain on…The Reptilian Brain. This is the animal within us all. The core of instinct, the safety net, the hub of our fight or flight decisions and it is remarkably easy to trigger. All you have to do is watch TV for 10-15 minutes and you will see the magic unfold. Count how many images, words and scenarios tap into our most basic instincts to survive…eat (food ads), be safe/healthy (medications, home security), be attractive enough to reproduce (exercise equipment, diet fads, sexy cars) and be able to perform (Viagara, Cialis). It’s all there, every few minutes…and your core brain loves it. It’s a multimedia feast for your least developed, but most impulsive brain.

There are 3 key factors that the media and those trying to sell you something know to focus on. They are the 3 motivators that emerge from that Reptilian brain:

1. Greed
This is the hunter and gatherer element in us all. We are predators by design and we seek to conquer and accumulate. This is the part of you that says, “I gotta have it”. You need the best, the most, the flashiest…because there is a part of you that believes that it makes you better than somebody else.

Good real-world example: iPhone owners, not all, but a good amount, carry their phones like trophies. Half of them don’t even know how to use them but they know they are a status symbol and Apple preys on them all day by updating their models every six months. And of course…they gotta have the flashiest one to stay on top of the hill and roar. Most iPhone owners have at least 2 of the past models sitting in a drawer in their house. They still work but they aren’t the best any more. That’s why Apple cuts corners and doesn’t need to design one with a replaceable battery because they know you’re just going to buy the new one anyway and toss the old one aside. Disposable technology, bad for the environment, built for suckers.

2. Fear of Loss
This preys on the pack mentality. We are social creatures like herds on the plains of Africa and we don’t want to be left behind. We all know what happens to the little calf that strays…CHOMP! So ads run language like, “this weekend only”, “48 hour sale”, “end of season clearance”. This makes you think, “I might miss out and be made fun of, or appear stupid to have missed the opportunity.” So, we rush to purchase something we may not even need.

Good real-world example: The IKEA Once A Year Sale. It does indeed only happen once a year. In that two week period IKEA sales increase as much as 29%. Does that mean that 29% more people all of a sudden need a Torstorp or a Fluevallen? I doubt it. But they sell a ton more of them in that two week period. Additionally, their stats also show that profit per item is increased during that sale period as more people spring for the assembly fee because they saved a bit more on the product itself. Good for IKEA. But guess what, that same product is there, on the same shelf the rest of the year. The price may have minor changes, but they got you in the door by preying on your fear of missing out.

3. Association
We are competitive at the instinctual level. We used to compete for territory, food, shelter and mates. Now, that primal fear is about keeping up with the Joneses. I want to be part of the cool kids…so I need to have this, do this, go there, wear that…or I won’t fit in. The association dynamic drives decisions that are influenced by your desire to please or to be like others.

Good real-world example: Facebook is king. They took social media to a whole new level. Once considered a space for slacker teens and college kids, the peer pressure of it has made it a place to showcase your brand and its appeal to the up and comers. Ad revenue on Facebook is way up because the social dynamic of it is driving exponential growth. Millions of people join every month because “everybody else is doing it”.

These 3 factors are primal. They tap into our most ancient brain…our least intelligent, least independent, most emotionally affected brain. These tap into instinct not intelligence. Good for fight or flight moments but less effective in long-term rational decision making. Bottom line, if these motivate us, we are more likely to make bad long-term decisions.

So what is the better way to make decisions?

Intrinsically motivated people make better decisions because they focus on 3 different factors. These are the motivating factors for the strongly developed and more discerning:

1. Novelty
Is it new or different? Does it offer something that I don’t already have? Does it enable me to DO something better, faster or more than I could before?
Intrinsically motivated people love new. They like to try new things, go new places and get involved in varied experiences that put them outside of their comfort zone. Re-packaging something old doesn’t cut it for them. They want at least some new features, some new capabilities. Because of their thirst for new, these people lead the pack in trying new things. They are the early-adopters, the pilots of new tech, the accidental fashionistas, the tastemakers, the learners, the travellers and often the most interesting person at the table.

Good real-world example: George Lucas created a whole new world with his Star Wars films. It was a massive risk to do something that had so little familiarity in it. It had the potential to make people feel completely disconnected…immersed in an alien world. Instead, the fact that it was so imaginatively and wildly different became its biggest strength. It transported people into a whole new realm of possibility. It created a culture and became a benchmark in film and entertainment…because it was NEW and DIFFERENT.

2. Value
This isn’t just about getting bang for your buck. Intrinsically motivated people seek value. They want products and experiences that add value to their lives and/or give them the ability to add more value to others’ lives. They want to learn something not just to help them make money, but to help them make a difference. These are the folks who go to college to learn Medicine so they can cure river blindness in southern Africa…not just so they can buy a Porsche. They learn Finance so they can create micro-funds for social ventures in India…not so they can run a Ponzi scheme or tax shelter for the rich.

They feel valuable through contribution. They feel significant through achievement of value-based goals.

Good real-world example: Last year I had a student whose motivation for getting into college was so that he could learn and practice Medicine. Doesn’t sound like anything special yet…but his reason was special. He had held his father’s hand during two near-fatal heart failures, the result of an unexplainable condition that baffled doctors. His value was solving problems. His contribution was to learn how to solve the problem that his father had. In doing so, he will save the lives of many others. That’s a value driven, intrinsically motivated young man. He will get the value of an education, the value of saving his father…and he will give the value of helping others in the process. VALUE is created all around him.

3. Passion
Intrinsically motivated people are often infectiously passionate about their pursuits. They are always doing something and are attacking it with the energy of 100 mortals. They are compelling forces whose energy attracts others. They can talk for hours about something or they can hit the switch and give you a 20 second elevator pitch that will have you reaching for your checkbook. They do what they love. They express love for their work. They risk failure. They are easy to hurt because they expose themselves so much but they wouldn’t have it any other way. We are all attracted to these magnets of purpose and passion.

Good real-world example: Bill Gates is a boring computer geek. When he was the leader of Microsoft he rarely said anything noteworthy and only made it into the headlines when the annual report of the world’s richest people came out. And because he was so not compelling, people loved to hate the guy. He made no connection to the rest of us. He seemingly devised a way to take all our money and retire to a world we would never see or understand. He became misunderstood, envied, then despised…to the point where there was actually an organization whose sole purpose was to literally smear him with pies at his public appearances…so strange. Then Bill steps down from Microsoft and starts, with his wife, the Gates Foundation.
Bill comes alive with a passion we had never seen from him. He uses his massive fortune, his network, his tech resources and his geeky intelligence to tackle health, education and social justice issues around the world. His foundation becomes the world’s largest single donor in Africa…out-donating the entire U.S. government on health-related aid to foreign countries. Now we see him on TED talks and the guy is happy, funny and dare I say…likeable on an epic scale. He found his PASSION and it wasn’t technology…it was helping people.

These 3 intrinsic motivators do more than just raise motivation, they drive brain development. These motivators are the architects of new connections and make life literally exciting, full of learning.

If you want a better life, robust experiences and interesting relationships, focus on Novelty, Value and Passion.

Rare Advice From a Loveable Idiot

Although I am a professional trainer, educator and occasionally a coach I rarely give advice. Advice is almost always bogus and widely disregarded. You know it’s true. We’ve all asked people for advice, listened intently, nodded our heads and then summarily ignored all of it in the emotion of the moment. We’ve all gone into an interaction with a plan assembled by our closest advisors, chest pumped up with confidence, the perfect lines to make the other person sway and crumble, and then…meltdown as soon as eyes meet and emotions take over. It’s horrifying and glorious at the same time. Those experiences are our greatest teachers and I’ve had quite a few of my own.

So, when one of my students, a 15 year old girl to be exact, asked me for some relationship (specifically breaking up) advice, I quickly replied with a big fat “NO”. She used some of my own trainer magic on me and refused to take my “no” as a response and persisted, painting a vibrant picture of me as her most influential male role model. She insisted that she needed guidance and that she had no one else to trust, no one with her shared values. SUCKER!

So, I stewed over what I could say without sounding like an old cranky man who’s experienced his fair share of joy and pain. Next thing I know, I was re-living a highlight reel of my most glorious and dubious moments in relationships of value. That was actually a gift. Her drive for advice resulted in my arriving at a few epiphanies about what has worked for me.
Here they are, my top five tips for transitioning a relationship. Drumroll please….

1. Be as nice as humanly possible even during a break-up. Be completely honest but avoid being mean or vengeful. 10 years later you want to be able to look back and say…”I was as good as I could have been in that situation.”

2. Make a clean break. Make a complete separation if possible. It’s hard to get over someone if they are lingering in your life. You don’t have to get rid of them forever…but make a break for at least 6 months with little or no contact. This will show you that the importance of that person is mostly perceived, rather than actual. You will survive without them and in a way that is a confidence builder.

3. Avoid beating yourself up. Relationships run their course and people grow apart…it’s nature. Don’t dwell on the shoulda, woulda, couldas.

4. Be around good friends and stay active. For physical and emotional health it’s important not to change your lifestyle too much…especially by retreating into a hole. You have friends and family who want to be there for you…let them. Even though one relationship is ending, it’s times like these that can strengthen our relationships with others.

5. Find an outlet. Turn your anger/hurt/sadness into something good. All emotion carries energy. Put that energy into working out, writing, a project, cleaning, starting a business…something productive. Bad break-ups have inspired some of the world’s greatest achievements.

That’s all I’ve figured out for myself so far. Hindsight is 20/20 and I hope that somebody out there can benefit from my experiences.

Porch Swing Decision-Making

I spent some years in the southern parts of the United States. The south is different. Some call it “slower” but I like to call it “more deliberate”. Folks in the south tend to take their time with things. They often say, “lemme sit with that for a bit”.
I remember distinctly a conversation I had one day in Jacksonville, Florida. I was about 19 and I was at a public park playing basketball. I was experiencing my first spat of tumultuous times. I had left college, my girlfriend was on to better things and I was selling crap…anything that somebody would hire me to sell. I sold perfume, men’s suits, used cars and I even sold myself into believing that any of that was worth my time. In my gut, in my heart, I knew I had to make some decisions to get back on track. Some of those decisions involved the people in my life. There were some that added value and some that were takers.
As I stood around courtside that afternoon, waiting for the next game, I started to jabber with another guy next to me. The usual chit chat about weather, sports and anything else that could avoid any real connectivity. As the game on the court dragged on an older, african american homeless man came up next to us. We did that whole thing where we acknowledged his presence with a nod but quickly pretended to focus on the exceedingly boring game. I recall thinking, “please don’t ask me for money”.
The homeless man stood silently next to me for a surprisingly long time. Now I was thinking, “Oh god, he’s one of those quiet freaks who is just gonna snap at any moment and attack us all with a shiv.” But as the minutes passed, he continued to stand silently.
Then as the game finally ended, a player came off the court and immediately high-fived the homeless man and said, “what’s up coach?” I was taken back and as I stepped on the court to warm up I stayed close enough to hear their interaction. The homeless man kept calling him “son”, which is common in the south even if people arent related, but it somehow resonated.
I played my game, lost and headed back to the sideline. I stood right next to the homeless man and this time I was curous enough to engage him. I asked him, “Hey, are you a coach?”
He replied without looking at me, eyes still on the game, “I was”.
I queried, “who for?”
He kept focus on the game and said, “local college back in the 80’s.”
I said, “Cool. Coach anyone that I may have heard of?”
He turned and faced me for the first time and with a look of deepest regret said, “I should have. I made some mistakes and it cost me the opportunity. I lost everything I loved…even my son.” He pointed to a guy about my age on the court.
I asked, “that’s your son?”
“Yeah, that’s him. My pride and joy. The only one who reminds me of my successes and doesn’t bring up my failures. I’ve failed that kid a million times but we got it straightened out one day on the swing”, he said.
I paused, “what’s the swing?”
“Ah, the swing, let’s step over here and I’ll get you up to speed on the swing”, he said and he gestured me towards a park bench.
We sat and he leaned in close. “The swing is the only place he and I could sit alone without his momma botherin’ us. See she got motion sickness a lot and the kid, he just loved the ol’ porch swing. So he and I would sit right up in there together for hours. When his momma passed away, we lost the house, we lost everything and I lost it. Had to give the kid to my brother so he could stay in school. Most embarrassing part of my life. I never wanted to be that man. I’m still that man sometimes. But he don’t hold it against me. Now when I visit him at my brothers, we sit in that same ol’ swing. That’s the only place we connect. That’s the only place we make decisions about things.”
I still wasn’t sure where this was going but I felt tremendous empathy for the man. I said, “It must be nice, those times on the swing.”
“You know it is”, he quipped and smiled.
Then he said something that stuck with me. He said, “Lemme give ya some advice, man to younger man. Make all your decisions about people on a porch swing.”
“What do you mean”, I asked with perplexion.
“Imagine that your goal in every relationship is to be sitting side by side in a porch swing when you’re both old and gray. Happy with each other. Proud of what you’ve been through. Sippin’ some of mommas sweet tea and laughing about mistakes you almost made”, he said.
I don’t recall how I replied to that, but I haven’t forgotten it. It has stuck with me and to this day it affects my thinking on decisions that involve people.
I often reflect on that metaphor in distressing times. When I’m lost in the emotion of relationships, I think, “How can this end with the two of us on a porch swing, old and gray, laughing about the mistakes we almost made.”
I value my relationships, even the ones that aren’t easy. People change, go through phases, but I believe that their intentions are generally good. I aim to end up on a porch swing with them.

Bali Frogs and Schools: Lessons in Differentiation

I travel a lot. 329 days last year. I know airports, hotels and tourist traps as well as Trump knows hairpieces. And, I’m in education…so I’m not talking about 5 star hotels, business class seats or the Amalfi Coast. That being said, I do occasionally end up in some wonderfully pleasant places, none of which are any more welcomed than the artistic villages of Bali. Bali is one of those few places where there is a palpable feel of graciousness. It is abundance for the senses and its people are warm, gentle and down-to-earth smart. There are traditions at every turn, celebrations nearly every day and ceremonial gatherings that keep people connected. In all of those things, there is music. The Balinese are talented musicians. They fill the air with ambient sounds that give every moment a soundtrack.
As I sat around the pool at the place I was staying, the night watchman even had an instrument. It was a wooden frog that he thumped once on its head to make a deep sound. Then he took a wooden stick and stroked it up the ridged spine of the frog…and it sounded exactly like a frog…a big one. I asked him why he did that over and over again. He said, “If the little frogs think there is a big frog over here, they will stay away from the pool.” So, he would do that every few minutes while watching the property and the pool would remain frog-free. Genius. Plus, it was cool sounding. So, I asked him where to get one of those musical frogs. He said, “They are everywhere.”
I strolled into the craft market the next morning and sure enough he was right. I hadn’t noticed them before but they were indeed everywhere. Every little shop had musical wooden frogs. In fact, every shop had pretty much the same things. So, naturally I shopped around and looked for the best price. Every shop I went into, there were tourists haggling away with the shop owners. That’s very common here and almost expected. But, I noticed that every tourist was utilizing nearly the exact same negotiating strategy. They all would end their negotiation with, “That’s my final offer, I know I can get it down the street for less.” And they were right. Every store was selling the same stuff…and truthfully, it was all very inexpensive.
So, I asked one of the shop owners how long it takes to make one of these hand-carved wooden frogs. He said it takes a skilled woodworker about one hour. And the price was equivalent to USD $1.75. That’s cheap. It’s almost rude to even negotiate on that. I wondered how they could even make any money on that…especially since every other shop on the street is selling them too.
That’s when it hit me…they weren’t making any money on these frogs. They weren’t making much money at all. Now, the Balinese rarely aspire to be wealthy in material terms but it occurred to me that they could benefit from some simple lessons in Business 101. The first of which is DIFFERENTIATION. In a crowded market, where products all look the same, you need to somehow stand out. In this case, they all sold the same stuff at every shop. That gives the buyer a massive advantage. If you don’t meet their price demands, the guy next door might…and the product is the same. The consumer gets what he wants but only one guy gets the sale and probably at a very reduced profit. That’s just not sustainable.
How could it be different?
How about pulling the village together and determining that only one shop will sell the frogs, one will sell wooden giraffes, one will sell drums etc. Then the customer has one shot to get what they want…and that’s a much different negotiation. The seller has a strong position here. Now the woodworker can get paid, the seller can get paid and I’m sure the buyer will still get a pretty good deal. That’s much healthier.
As I sat with this revelation, feeling like the Richard Branson of the Hills, Logical Lord of the Village…I got whacked in the head by another sobering thought. This is what we are doing to kids in schools all around the world!
We are standardizing content, testing, uniforms…we are building wooden frogs…and every country has got plenty of them. The value of a college degree has dropped. More and more people have them and they all studied the same stuff. They look the same on paper. How do we differentiate?
It’s more obvious than ever that testing scores and degrees have a diminishing measurable allure. They are no longer the thing that will set a student apart. They have less and less perceived value.
What does that mean?
It means it’s time for students to be different. It’s time for parents to support being different. It’s time for schools to start teaching differently. It’s time for companies to start working to make a difference.
DIFFERENTIATION is VALUE.

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Charlie Sheen might be “Winning” but losing is what defines your character.

It’s easy to get lost in the media hype around the non-issues of celebrity-dom. I don’t care how much money someone makes, I care what they do. In my world, what matters is impact. Do you make a difference with what you do?
Charlie Sheen has never made a difference for me…never profoundly reached me with his “talent”.

In contrast, the recent natural disaster in Japan is a loss of incredible magnitude. A life altering, world-changing loss with profound impact on humanity as a whole. The behavioral response of the Japanese people has been one of the most inspiring acts of honor I have seen in any culture throughout human history.

Loss defines character. The Japanese are not looting. There is no spike in criminal activity despite obvious opportunity. The Japanese are taking a deep breath, planting their feet in the same soil and values that built their impressive culture. They are working together, re-assembling their lives and teaching us all a valuable lesson in the process.

Nature is aggressive. Flowers will eventually destroy a highway. You can’t swing fists or fly F-16s at Mother Nature. All you can do is acknowledge that we are all part of this natural system and sometimes our buildings will fall, our possessions will be destroyed and our hearts will ache. But, it is in these moments that we will surface who we are, what we stand for and how we will move humanity forward.

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Training before firing…please.

There are just way too many people jumping on the “let’s just fire teachers” bandwagon. I am all for better education, full accountability and setting some standards, but in my experience…teachers tend to be really good people. Really good people who are doing the best they can with what they have. That includes what training they have. Most teachers I spend time with would love some training. They want to know and learn things that help them to be better at their job…who doesn’t?

The sad bit here is that most teachers report that too often training opportunities are costly, theory-based filler that end with some consultant trying to sell them a book. Make no mistake, this happens in the corporate world too. We’ve all  been to a training where the ideas made sense, we left feeling great and a week later nothing had changed. Educational training is much the same. So, before we run all the kind-hearted teachers out of town, because you know most of you don’t want their job, let’s ask them a few questions:

Teachers…what would help you do your job?
What skills do you need to be effective in your classroom?
How can parents support you?
What standards do you have for a child that enters your classroom?
What can the community do to support you?

Be ready to listen…or you’re fired.

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